Do Conspiracy Theorists Have More Fun?

My friend Carolyn called a couple of mornings ago to ask my opinion about Melania’s TV message. She knows I have opinions about everything, and she was stuck in traffic…. 

Melania’s appearance the other day announcing “I am not a victim of Epstein” left me with a huge HUH? Since then, I've managed to ask the opinion of just about everyone I’ve run into. Today, after using a good amount of brain power on this irrelevant topic, I’ve come to the conclusion that we are standing at the brink of a new era. Not a flight to the moon era, or a cure for cancer era – think more like wide leg pants are in and skinny pants are out era. And, I don’t want you to miss it. I want you all to be in at the beginning of…. I wanted to say re-birth but that implies more aliveness than I am expecting, so let’s just say “in the beginning”

Tina Brown calls Melania "a walking shrug"- that's a bull's eye. The Daily Beast said Melania ‘panicked’. How can you tell? It could just as easily have been silicone slippage or collagen collapse. My Tupperware container emotes with greater range. Anyway, everybody has a theory. I’ve poo-pooed conspiracy theories but I think they are having a better time than I am, so I’m jumping on board. Here is my Melania theory.

You can watch my theory unfold in real time…or fail. Either way, it’s a lot of fun.

FACT: Melania decided to step out of the spa and into the sunshine. Why?

THEORY: Two biggly, related reasons.

1.       She is thinking ahead to when Donny goes into the home or to The Hague (it’s looking sooner rather than later), so she is separating herself from him, and we are at the sunrise of a new BRAND – She is whipping out Melania 2.0. No longer that unemployable model WHO DID NOT KNOW EPSTEIN, she is, if not reborn, then re-invented.

2.       Since she has become a successful NetFlix movie star, she has gained the confidence to branch out (Hey, it has been done before: a Suits actress to a Duchess, a TV host to a demented Fascist, a movie star to a President (that’s Regan); or the Kardashians. She is taking the leap from Melania, the reluctant First Lady to Melania, the stilettoed Netflix superstar, to... Melania The Brand. This requires her to maintain a presence – she must be seen -  and what better way than to announce you are not a victim – not that anyone asked, but if you have a platform, it’s a darn shame not to use it. And reawaken sleeping pedos at the same time.

Next, we must ask, what will she sell? Not sex tapes; it’s been done. Not strawberry jam. My first guess is going to be a line of makeup and perfume, although I would love it if she wrote a children’s book or trained therapy dogs. Let’s get back on point. Once the brand is roaring, maybe we will see hand painted (by deported immigrants) porcelain figurines or action figures, you know, Melania doing things – standing still, being a shepherdess, a nun, a fighter pilot. Here is where I invite you to join my amusement and imagine Brand Melania. I promise to print all your ideas.

Don’t forget to come at 2:00pm on May 3, 2026 to Secret World Books in Highland Park, IL. Linda will be interviewed about Not The Trip We Planned. Damn, that title gets more prescient every day.