Forgiveness

It’s that time of the year for Jews all over the world– the days beginning with atonement at Rosh Hashanah and ending with overeating a dairy meal at the close of Yom Kippur.

It is a period of reflection, asking for forgiveness from those we harmed, forgiving others and generally promising to do better.

I’m not being glib. With all my heart, I believe in atonement. I’m pretty good at atoning. I'm critical and judgey (as my children say) so I see me. I can be critical of myself because, I admit, I’m invested in my life, and I am motivated to be on the side of kindness – maybe not at the head of the class, but not flunking out, either. I understand atonement.

It’s forgiveness that I struggle with.   

I'm not skilled at forgiveness. I have trouble understanding the concept; it must be like colorblindness. In fact, when I took the ‘Strength Finders’ test, forgiveness was at the bottom of my list, number 53 out of 53. Even grading on a curve, that's low. I wasn’t surprised.

In an attempt to write an honest post, I asked AI what forgiveness means. I thought the answer was a bit self-helpish, the beginning of a Ted talk. I continued browsing the internet and found something concise - "forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance".

Okay, that isn’t news. I’m just not good at it, and this problem is not related to aging. I was never particularly forgiving. I come from a long line of grudge holders - they were masterful at remembering and resenting – otherwise they were the nicest people you would ever meet. Really. They were kind and generous and model citizens. They paid their taxes and fought in wars. They hung out with relatives they didn’t like. They took care of each other, not showy, but quietly. They wanted the best for their children; they all hoped their children would surpass them.

I have. I’ve improved on the lack of forgiveness; I’ve developed a real interest in revenge. It must be in my Old Testament DNA. 23andme says I am 99% Old Testament.

I’m not saying this is admirable; it just seems to be a fact. (I know, there are alternative facts). I have been working on forgiveness for years. The closest I have come is cultivating indifference. This is genuine progress so don't poo poo my baby steps. When I reach indifference, I slip into a place of neutrality, detachment, aloofness, uncaring, unresponsiveness – you get it. I like it there. This is as close to letting go of feelings of anger and resentment as I can manage. I'm hoping that indifference is on the continuum headed away from hurt and anger and toward forgiveness. Something like this:

hurt....anger...revenge fantasies...fatigue...self-talk...indifference...comatose...forgiveness

That's the positive spin I'm putting on my shortcoming today.

It’s a good thing Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur come every year so I can inch along. I better live a long time, this is slow work.

Because it is a holiday, I will not remind you about NTTWP.