<<<< That's the way my daughter looks at me sometimes. It's a mixture of stoicism and vague disapproval.
I guess it’s better that adult children care and interfere with our lives than become indifferent, BUT they can be so, so bossy. I think I’ve figured out why. Even now, as they enter their forties and (terrifying reality) or fifties, they want us to understand how they feel about our housing, our healthcare, our travel plans, our eating habits, etc. Did we sound like that? I have a son and daughter and their styles are different, but the message is the same.
They want to be understood, not to understand. My kids still, after all these years, want me to know exactly how they feel. SO, they explain and explain and explain. I'm being polite here because it feels more like they demand and demand and demand, even if they are smart enough to add a question mark to the end of, "You are taking those vitamins I ordered for you????" It’s similar to speaking to someone who doesn’t understand English - the temptation is to repeat, enunciate and raise your voice. Silly, but compelling to keep trying.
It comes from concern and love. I get that; I really do and I appreciate them more than I would ever try to articulate. My kids want to protect me. During Covid, my daughter told me that she wanted to put me in a Zip-lock bag until it was over. They also are frightened for me and for themselves - and for the burden I might become. I am, too. More than they will ever know.
They obsess about my health and tell me what they read, what someone else’s parents did, what was tweeted by a random (AI) person, what nincompoop product appeared in their internet feed. I get gift certificates for light treatments and floatation tubs (Geez, maybe they will offer a colonic for this coming birthday).
I believe we are working at odds that may not be resolvable. I want to feel free as long as possible, to have control over my own life, and to make my own decisions. They want me to be safe, almost at any cost. I suspect that this is going to be one of those day-at-a time negotiations that leave all interested parties dissatisfied.
Watch for Not The Trip We Planned, March, 2025, published by Koehler. I'm one of the stars! I hope they've made me brave.
So exactly right Chickie. Years ago I was a volunteer long term care ombudsman. We were assigned to nursing homes and other facilities to advocate for residents their families. In our training we had some sayings, and the one relevant here may be “Freedom before safety”. Our elders they said, are fully fledged adults, should be respected as they are, and only have the ability to make their own decisions taken away in limited circumstances. Could we try and that one on our loving but bossy kids?
You nailed it, Chickie. So true. And your assertion captures the do-si-do of life:
I believe we are working at odds that may not be resolvable. I want to feel free as long as possible, to have control over my own life, and to make my own decisions. They want me to be safe, almost at any cost. I suspect that this is going to be one of those day-at-a time negotiations that leave all interested parties dissatisfied.
When we were adolescents we wanted freedom, our parents wanted safe; when we were parents we wanted our kids to be safe, now we're back in the loop again, but with less hair and a more realistic sense of our vulnerabilities. (Hum Tur…