My Plan For The IRS

I mailed my taxes in last week. Maybe you are over it, but I'm not. It was difficult to say goodbye to that much money without getting something big in return, the front half of a cheap car, a facelift, a trip to Europe, bling, something. I owed way more than I thought – good news, bad news. Good news, I made more money than I realized; bad news, I wasn’t prepared, neither was my bank. I am now filled with resentment toward the IRS.

However, no dwelling on the negative, not me. Always optimistic, I have created a marvelous plan (someone needs a plan) for a new system of taxation. As soon as you read this, you will want to call your Congressperson who will dread hearing from you.

Here's the plan in 3 easy steps:

1.    We all fill out questionnaires about what types of spending we value, i.e. education, Only Fans, feeding hungry kids, long lasting mascara, homelessness, rounding up people not ‘like us’, protecting the environment, firebombing governors, universal health care – whatever matters to each of us. Without being judgey, we write down the issues that make our hearts sing.

Next…

2.    The 14 remaining federal workers go through these forms and match each of us to a cause dear to our hearts. For example, you support education, your sister-in-law supports universal pedicures, and I favor bringing back the original recipes for Dunkin Donuts. Very considered, very personal. Your heart is already humming, I hear it.

Finally…

3.    This is the brilliant part…instead of all of us paying into a big pot of money that might be used to invade Greenland or build detention camps in Nevada, you get assigned a sulky teenage girl who can’t afford to go to college, your sister-in-law funds a 24 hour mobile nail salon that goes house to house, and I travel the country sampling donuts, with an emphasis on jelly.

If you used up all your copies of Not The Trip We Planned as Passover and Easter gifts, stock up now for Mother's Day. You can buy them from Koehler at https://www.koehlerbooks.com/book/not-the-trip-we-planned/on or Amazon, or call your local bookstore.