Why Do I Care What I Weigh?

I’m tipping into my 70s, but as of today, I'm still in my 60s. That’s not young. By most realistic standards, it’s kind-of-old heading into definitively-old. So why am I still nutty about my weight? Why do I care? My doctor says I’m only about 5-7 lbs. over my ideal weight - SEE, I’m making excuses, and I don’t even know you. 

I don’t want to care what I weigh. I want to feel free from all that nonsense at my advanced, wise age. I have gray hair and I never lie about my age. Hell, I haven’t even bleached my teeth and that is one procedure that does tempt me. The other procedure that whispers my name is fixing the neck wobble; necks become certifiably ugly with age. But I won't do any of these things... yet. I don’t want to think of myself as vain. I never stare into mirrors; in fact, I have very few of them in my home.

For articles, I often interview people on Zoom and every once in a while, the interviewee will stop looking at me and become entranced by their own reflection. It happened last week. It was a woman about my age. She seemed to forget I was watching as she stared at herself and slowly began to pull back her neck, then her cheeks. Her skin smoothed out; she contemplated the results. Then she dropped the wrinkles back in place. Of course, I was fascinated; I could have stared at her forever. I've seen men do something similar. They run fingers through their hair, but I've never talked to a man who gave himself a temporary facelift while we chatted. This is all a justification for my own nuttiness - about weight.

I tell myself that it isn’t about dragging a few extra pounds around. I say I’m cheap and want to fit into my clothes. It's true; I hate the thought of buying new pants in a larger size, but I suspect there is more to it. I think it’s tied to being attractive; leftover from being young and caring about everything, absolutely everything, and trying all the diets - cabbage soup, Weight Watchers, Scarsdale, grapefruit, even my own creation - existing on pickles and cottage cheese during the week and pizza on the weekend. You have to be very young to try that. I know it is useless to obsess. I learned to think about weight when I was so young, I wouldn’t know how to NOT think about it. 

Maybe I’m overthinking it now, but I admit that before I get into the shower, I look into the mirror and my eyes are drawn to my middle. I find myself grabbing at that roll in the middle, pinching it gently. If I want to feel lousy, I lift my arms in front of the mirror and wave my jiggly wings. It reminds me of the Flying Nun. Luckily my vision is bad, so I don’t get the full effect. I have a friend who mirrored her entire bathroom! I can't imagine. This ritual doesn’t take long. Then I sigh and climb into a hot shower to unstiffen me for the day ahead. 

In March, 2025, Not The Trip We Planned will be published by Koehler. For better or worse, I am featured in the novel. I must ask them about my weight. I know that TV makes you look 10 pounds heavier; does a novel?