Apologies: The Good, The Bad, The Fake
- ledelstein2
- Jul 22
- 2 min read
I used to be terrible at offering apologies – I wouldn’t do it. I imagined that I was somehow losing ground when I admitted to a mistake. I’m better now, having extensive experience making mistakes and living through the embarrassment. It’s all practice. I wonder if I’ve hit the 10,000 hours of mistake-making. If so, I am qualified as an expert in errors. I can consult!!
Anyway, even if I’m not yet an expert, I have opinions. That’s the beauty, and terror, of a democracy. Upon reflection, I’ve decided there are 3 categories of apology:
The Good – “Sorry, my bad.” Genuine acknowledgment, apology, and an attempt (whether or not doomed) to do better going forward. This is atonement.
The Bad – This is apology-as-a-substitute for bad behavior, i.e. “I’m sorry you couldn’t tolerate honesty” or “I’m sorry you are overly sensitive to my comment about you looking like a sausage in your new jeans” – that sort of blame cloaked in an apology. The underlying meaning is something like “you are flawed – (fill in the blank with your particular imperfection). I pointed it out, you overreacted, I’m not especially sorry I made the comment, don’t you want me to be honest? But I don’t want trouble”. These folks are just damn aggressive. Screw them.
The Fake – This is a newer variation I’ve been noticing. It’s a quick, over-the-top apology, confession, a self-protective mea culpa. When it works, it’s a Get Out Of Jail Free apology GOOJF, obviously pronounced ‘goof’ with a silent J. “OMG, I’m so sorry; you have to forgive me! It must be the caffeine or my recent concussion.” “I’m worried about the stock market” or “I was triggered” “I’m desolate, I’m going to jump off a bridge.” EH!!! They skip the work of understanding and substitute one of today's trending phrases.
It reminds me of being a kid in NJ. On Saturday, my Catholic friends would bike over after Confession and feel free to behave (not very) badly. Misbehave, confess, repeat. This was obviously a child’s flawed view, but I thought it was a fantastic system. Way better than the endless Jewish guilt, hold a grudge, never forget, develop resentment or an anxiety disorder or both, get an ulcer - the system I was used to.
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Chickie--I know I have made some bad apologies (and am genuinely sorry for any I delivered to you, now that I've had the decades needed to grow up more)--and I hope I've made some good ones. You definitely nailed this post. And being able to deliver a genuine apology, the kind that works, is definitely required in lasting friendships.
Personally, I am most offended by the bad ones that begin "I'm sorry you feel that way, and....(lame self-serving excuse). These are especially awful when delivered by an unctuous, self-satisfied personality who is confident they can do no wrong.
I also envied the Catholic kids weekly option to get-out-of-guilt free and will take it up here later when we get closer…